Searching for myself? Midlife crisis?

Yup, that's what happened. 
Had been searching for myself or soul searching.
It's worst than midlife crisis.
I probably have that (mid life crisis) the entire of my adult life.
I was at a point where every thing  was tasteless, life, food, drink etc. 
Literally tasteless.
No life!
Then one fine day while laying in bed feeling empty, something click!
Hey haven't I find my self a long time ago, so what's missing?

I always tell myself, in life situation, ask the right question. 
But I made the wrong question which was where was I.
I wasted a lot of time because of this wrong question. 
Bummer.
I automatically blamed the situation I was in, by assuming I have somehow misplaced me. 
This was based on past experiences.
I didn't even see the question. 
I already have the answer - I was lost;  I was missing me.
I was feeling imbalance, unfulfilled, not satisfied in life, and cowardly. 
At the same time I have all the things I needed. 
Getting out of bed was a heavy task, going to work was a big deal, and meeting people was a burden. 
Why did I feel this way?
I ended up quitting my job because I felt I needed time with my self. 

After so much time with myself, I still couldn't see how to resolve my situation. 
My apartment had become my prison.
I hated to go out. I felt there were eyes watching me.
I hated having to pass by the security guard.
I wasn't suicidal.
I was feeling extreme lethargic.
I was simply miserable.
I was also nearing the age where female hormones may go haywire. 
So maybe it's my hormones. 
I got myself a cat instead.
It help get me moving and to go out of the apartment again.
That feeling still didn't go away but I got a bit better.

Eventually, I moved to an area at the outskirt of town. 
There are more trees, more green and better air quality here.
I immediately felt better. 
Apparently, I needed this. I started free lancing a bit here and there. 

To cut it short. I was on the internet reading historical stuff and bumped into a video of a person whom found a religion (which I was born into), and he become happy.
And I started watching more and more video of people doing this.
I can see it in them that happiness, that contentment.
I use to be like that once. 
What happened?
I then realized how unhappy I had become which was so unlike me. 
Now I know why I thought I've lost me, because I have always been happy with myself.
I ask myself why am I not happy like that, that's my religion too? 

One day I found a video of a person whom answered my question.
He said that those who are born into this religion do not understand the depth of despair and darkness that people such as he had to go through because he didn't even know where the door is or even know there is a door to go out of that despair and darkness.
He is right. I wouldn't know.
I've always know where that door is.
What he said made me felt humbled and ashamed of my self.
I have become unhappy with myself because of the bad habits and thing that I had done.

As it turn out I was searching for God.
I have not forgotten God but I have not been communicating with God as I should.
I decided to be a better me, to be someone God would be happy with.
My progress is slow. 
It's hard to let go of stupid fears and bad habits. 
And I still have my problems that I didn't mention here but I have became calmer, more patient, braver, and grateful. 

So if you are feeling depress, missing something in life, scared, empty, soul searching, suicidal, miserable, unhappy and so on, try God. 
Note I said God not religion. 
Do your research. 
Pray to God for guidance and help. 
You will find your answers. 
Have faith. 

I hope if anyone bumped into this article that it would help. 
Thank you.

The purpose of this exercise is to transfers some thoughts from my head in words..

passion joy strength pride ego self god love dreams alone lonely circle balance energy control respect responsibility share confident forgive pain wants desire need closure mistake regret free peace hurt retribution action reaction compulsion respond peace oneness grounded vengeance brave communication benediction decision procrastination interaction fear relieve emotion frustration salvation live life alive anger redemption deliverance past present future recall memory friends imagine creative curious stillness tired expression voice say sad pathetic selfish giving goal assurance organize plan minimize beauty old young inspiration green suspended animation